Let me start out with this: I will be using examples from the boys from the hit TV show The Big Bang Theory, but what you should always know is this: NEVER USE TV OR MOVIES TO BASE YOUR EXPECTATIONS ON. These are forms of entertainment with roots in different forms of fantasy. The jerk who did the shooting down in Santa Barbara had the deluded idea that he deserved a hot girl because that's what TV and movies are consistently putting across. Well, guess what, everybody? THIS IS REALITY. Not everything goes smoothly or happily as your favorite TV show or classic movie ends. It's a very sad truth, but Hollywood gives us what they say we want to see. Don't fall under that spell! Live in the now and face the facts of life!
Piggybacking off that point, I now need to add a disclaimer: I am going to be brutally honest in this blog. I'm not going to sugarcoat anything, I'm not going to mince words, and I'm not going to give you false hope or try to change you. I am going to tell it like it is. If you consider yourself sensitive or are set in your ways, then feel free to read another blog that fills you up with false hope with lame cliches. I'm on this soapbox, and I'm doing the talking! And I'm not doing this to discourage so called "nice guys," I'm doing this because I like seeing the "nice guys" find themselves good girls to complete them, and there are too many wolves out there that take the form of "nice guys" and "good girls."
Now then, while TV and movies are completely fictional and outside of reality, they do often feature realistic situations and convincing characters. I am a fan of The Big Bang Theory and, being a geek girl myself who still has a tendency to be socially awkward, I find that all of the characters of Leonard, Raj, and Stuart are prime examples of nice guys who did or are still doing everything wrong. Howard and Sheldon will also be used for other examples, despite the fact that the pre-Bernadette Howard is a complete and total sleazebag and Sheldon just has no idea that a world and other people's needs exist around him. I will not be bagging on these characters, as I do love them, but I will definitely be focusing on their faults because many nice guys exhibit these faults too, and thereby don't succeed when trying to be with a good quality girl.
Prologue: Doing whatever the girl asks and expecting something in return
Everything begins here.
So, you think that fixing her computer, helping her move, and driving her home when she's drunk without copping a feel makes you a nice guy. Right? For the most part, yes. It also makes you a sucker.
Please refer to TBBT season 2 episode 19: The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition. The beautiful actress Alicia moves into the building and meets Leonard and Sheldon. Leonard is instantly attracted to her and uses what little body weight he has to heave a huge box filled with who knows what up 4 flights of stairs while she totes a tiny box that a 4 year old could probably carry. Later, Leonard is joined by Raj and Howard where they are helping Alicia unpack and set up her electronics.
Sound like something you've done? Let's continue...
Notice how in this clip Alicia tells Leonard she needs to drive to Hollywood from Pasadena. She's all dressed up for her audition as a hooker, and quite frankly, isn't far from the mark. She brings up her situation which may or may not be the truth, and Leonard, Howard and Raj follow after her like lovesick puppies. Penny, who does tend to do take advantage of the boys from time to time, notices the extreme that Alicia is taking it to and she interferes because she genuinely cares for the boys.
Now skip to 1.14 of this next clip and stop at 1.36:
Penny asks Alicia to not take advantage of the boys. Alicia's response: "What's the big deal? I let them do stuff for me, they're happy, I get stuff, who cares?" Alicia refuses to acknowledge that she is purposely leading the boys on.
So guys, are you doing this kind of stuff for a girl or girls and getting nothing back?
SHE'S TAKING ADVANTAGE OF YOU, AND YOU'RE LETTING HER DO IT!
Yes, girls appreciate it when you do things like this for her. But if she keeps doing it and never says yes to a date to you, then you are a complete sap. Albert Einstein himself defined insanity as this: "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." A cold hard truth is that the right type of girl doesn't want to be with someone who she can walk all over. It is very flattering if we can get guys to act as servants or whipping boys, but unless she expresses a way to reciprocate or that she is interested in you, then you are not a "nice guy." You are easily dominated and the epitome of insanity as expressed by one of the greatest minds of the 20th century.
And if you're being a nice guy just because you think you're entitled to sexual favors, like there's some kind of unspoken agreement between men and women, then get your head examined. You may as well be a combination of Sheldon and pre-Bernadette Howard: thinking you're owed booty because the world supposedly revolves around you and you never get your way. That's not how true nice guys work, and it's not how women work either.
As I said, I'm going to pull no punches here. If this was too hard of a truth for you, then please, go read something else. If you're a trooper, then please continue.
Underlying Reasons Why You're Not Getting the Girl
Doing nice things for the girl or girls you have your eye on is a good place to start, but it really should be only a testing ground rather than a habit. There are many nice girls out there who appreciate what you do but are uncomfortable in the situation because they don't want to hurt your feelings, so they let you keep doing what you do because they don't want to lose your friendship. Others are like the aforementioned Alicia.
If you're in this situation, but you aren't sure if the girl is trying to be considerate of your feelings or taking advantage of you, then please evaluate the following personality traits below as portrayed by our boys of TBBT. For the record, I'm going to be picking on these guys a lot. This doesn't mean that I don't like them, because I do; it just means that these boys are very flawed characters whose choices make the best examples of the points I'm trying to make.
Problem: you have no self respect
Season 4 episode 5: The Desperation Emanation. No clip of this particular example is available. Leonard is set up by Bernadette on a blind date with a gym acquaintance named Joy. Joy has little class, is crude, and is constantly showing off krav maga moves dangerously close to Leonard's lower regions. As she leaves the table for the bathroom, Howard remarks that he thinks she likes him. Leonard retorts that he won't go after her because he has self respect. Howard's spot on response: "Since when?"
Now Leonard had a horrible childhood and has mommy issues, and you guys out there have your own unique back stories and histories with women; but this particular point is very important, regardless of your experience. Back to Leonard: he always wants a woman's attention, and if a woman is willing to give it, he pursues it, regardless of who he has his eye on, or in some cases, who he's currently with.
Here's a clip of the type of woman Joy is:
Guys, would you say yes to a second date to a woman like this if she offered the possibility of having drunk sex with you on a wedding date?
Leonard did. The date from this point in the clip above did not improve, but when Joy tells him that her inhibitions will drop when she gets drunk at a wedding she wants him to take her to, all his previous reservations evaporate quicker than the rain in California's current drought status.
Another good example is Leonard's relationship with Stephanie. It the 3 episode arc of season 2 episodes 8-10, Leonard gets involved with the girl Howard was expecting to shack up with. They become an official couple, and by using subtle means, Stephanie slowly transfers her things to Leonard's room and moves in with him. Sheldon figures it out, but Leonard denies it. When he realizes the control she's taking over him, he tries to talk her into slowing their relationship down. She offers him sex each time and he's a complete goner.
And now, the coup de gras:
Stephanie is a master manipulator who induces guilt and offers sex to get her way, and Leonard falls into her trap each time because he doesn't respect himself enough to take a stand. Of all the people in the world, he needs to be able to stand up for himself, and he fails miserably. He eventually is able to end the relationship, but we don't get to see how it happened because she, once again, offered him sex to change his mind when he desperately tried to text-dump her.
As stated with Alicia, many girls out there aren't as nice or as good as they seem and they take advantage of perfectly good guys, thereby causing bitterness and anger to fester. Real women don't want pliable men that they can easily manipulate or just agree with them on any and all subjects; that kind of man gets old pretty quick and then these ladies scope out their next target to suck him dry while you wonder what you did wrong when the only thing you did wrong was chase a bad girl. The women worth having out there need a man who has respect for and can stand up for himself. After all, if a guy can't stand up for himself, how can any woman be confident that you'll be able to stand up for her?
If you're having trouble getting any kind of romantic relationship started with a woman, first take a look at yourself and see if you have the personal strength to take a stand for yourself. Are you confident in the person that you are? Can you tell your boss you can't stay overtime for the 5th day in a row because you have plans? Can you think clearly when a pretty girl smiles at you? Are you able to still say no if a woman whose clothing leaves nothing to the imagination wants to use you and then throw you away? If your answer to any of these questions is no, then you should take some time to re-evaluate your approach not only to women but to life.
Self respect is a key personality trait needed to survive. Without it, it's not just women who will take advantage of you, it's whoever else is in your life. Learn to know when to say yes and no for yourself. Don't let any person or that girl you've had your eye on make you do things you don't want to.
Problem: you're whiny or induce guilt
When we first meet Stuart in season 2, he seems relatively confident when he is able to take Penny out on a date. Then she hooks up with Leonard and we see Stuart's true colors: he is lonely and lets the whole world know about it. Raj does the same thing. This happens both when Raj is drunk and sober, but when he whines about his love life he tends to rant about his whole existence and how he'll never find someone.
Guys, whining never helps. It makes you look immature. You know how I mentioned that Stephanie was manipulative? Well, if you really think about it, whining is, in its own way, a form of manipulation. Whining is a device to induce pity. Pity, when given, immediately puts you in a position of power over the person who is now giving you attention and trying to empathize with you. Most people, men and women alike, can tell the different between asking for help and just being a whiner; and let me tell you that when they're wise to your pity game, you won't incur any good responses.
If you watch this clip, you notice how awkward everyone gets when Stuart starts whining in his speech. Not only was this a completely inappropriate time for him to bring this comparison up, but it also caused a "Debbie Downer" moment that made everyone feel awkward.
When you're feeling down and you want to whine, do it in a safe environment or with friends who will offer you support. It's a natural part of life to need to release, but using it to attract a woman is just lame. She'll either see right through you and immediately write you off as a irritating little twerp, or she'll fall under the pity spell, in which case you become a bad guy (and if you've seen The Silence of the Lambs, you'll see how pity gets a lady kidnapped! YES, it's that bad!).
Here's an example from a non-regular on the show: Bert.
Bert shows up in season 7 episode 13: The Occupation Recalibration, and seems like a nice, awkward guy at first, bringing Amy pretty rocks from the geology department. If you watch his technique, he starts off with very subtle whining, then twisting it into guilt, saying that girls always turn down guys like him because he's big and awkward. Guys, regardless of whether or not it is true that you're always being turned down, this tactic is uncool. There is a difference between being honest in getting to know a person, and being honest to manipulate that person. Bert uses the latter technique and when Amy caves, he instantly labels their outing as a date. So not cool!
And, of course, this portion wouldn't be complete without this little gem from season 4 episode 9: The Boyfriend Complexity:
Raj is very drunk in this scene, so his actions aren't completely under his control. He is completely honest and uninhibited as he talks about how lonely he is, and Bernadette tries to cheer him up by telling him that lots of girls would like to kiss him. Well, we all see how that one pans out. Guys, don't get drunk and whine about your lack of a love life. This scene right here is a great example the least of the things that can go wrong when you mix alcohol and loneliness. Even drunk, whining is tacky. Don't go that route.
So if you think that making yourself look pathetic is a good move for getting girls sucker girls into pity dates with you is a good tactic, then think again. It's uncool, totally classless to pull a stunt like that, and it definitely does NOT make you a nice guy.
Problem: you're pushy
Leonard starts out the series as a good guy who lacks confidence around women. Now, he's still a good guy but earned the confidence he needed to get engaged to Penny. The journey to that point, however, was often derailed when Leonard wouldn't let go of a conflict. The best example? When he first told Penny he loved her in season 3 episode 19: The Wheaton Recurrence.
Penny's reaction is not what Leonard had expected. Later in the episode she remarks "I love chili fries," and Leonard goes off on a tirade on how she can have such strong feelings for food and not for him, which ignites a fight between them. She explains the next day that she has had bad experiences saying those three little words at the wrong time and doesn't want to mess things up by running in to fast.
Guys, if a girl tells you she has had experiences in the past that cause her to go slow for any reason, LET HER GO AT HER OWN PACE.
There are lots of dumb women out there who never learn their lessons. If you find a woman who, for any reason, needs to take time for any action in your relationship, such as saying she loves you, because she learned her lesson the hard way; then that means she has learned her lesson and doesn't want to ruin things with you. Seriously! If you've spent all this time trying to win her over as Leonard did with Penny and you try to push her to tell you that you love her? Then Penny's dumping Leonard is exactly the same reaction you'll get! You can't force a woman to say what you want her to say or do what you want her to do if she isn't ready!
Another example of Leonard being pushy was with Priya. Now I watched every episode from start to finish and I don't think that Priya ever really planned on anything long term with Leonard, I think she wanted an American play toy that she could dominate; else she wouldn't have cheated on him so easily when she returned to India. Despite this theory, she did make a good point in that her parents would freak out if they knew about her relationship with Leonard. I don't know much about Indian customs, but I do know that foreign countries all have their views on how marriages and relationships should go for their children, and Priya's wanting to wait till one of her other siblings screws up to tell her parents about Leonard is a perfectly sound excuse.
In this clip, you'll not only see Leonard trying to push his own agenda with Priya, but also Sheldon's acknowledgement that Leonard does this kind of thing all the time. Even by this time, in the latter half of season 4, Leonard still hasn't learned his lesson from nearly a year ago with Penny. At the end of this episode, he's arguing with Priya because he says she thinks he embarrasses her. I don't think that is completely true, but I could be wrong. In any case, being pushy like this is not only a turnoff, it's bloody immature.
I finally have an example that doesn't involve Leonard: Raj and Lucy. Lucy has an extreme social disorder that she is bravely trying to conquer. Raj tries to help her along, but does so at his pace and not one she's comfortable with. When he tried helping her with returning "funky" crab cakes on their date by insisting she return them to the waiter, she tried to escape out the bathroom window because it was too much for her to handle! Watch this clip from season 6 episode 24: The Bon Voyage Reaction, of when he introduces Lucy to Amy:
Raj thinks he's being protective of Lucy, but he's only exacerbating the situation further. He's not only coming off as pushy, but overbearing and just plain rude. Lucy is clearly not comfortable when he interferes with her conversation with Amy. If Raj hadn't been so pushy, he probably wouldn't have been text dumped later on in the episode. Raj had good intentions, but the best intentions don't always produce the best results.
Like the point with whining, being pushy is another form of manipulation. If you try to push a woman into doing something she isn't ready for, are you going to keep pushing until she cowers? Will you dump her if she doesn't do your bidding? Leonard and Raj aren't that type of guy, but there are too many men out there who are. Don't be pushy. It never ends well for either party.
Problem: you think every woman who is nice to you has feelings for you
Please now view this clip from Scrubs to get the point I'm making:
Seriously, how delusional can you be?
I'm going to divert from the nice guys here and pick on Howard. Howard, before he got engaged to Bernadette, was the epitome of a deluded romantic who did everything wrong that a man can do to impress a girl. He fancied himself as some kind of smooth ladies' man, when in reality, he was a borderline stalker creep. Tune in at 1.48 on this next clip from season 3 episode 6: The Cornhusker Reaction:
A random runner just so happens to make eye contact with Howard and she's jogging by and smiles at him. Howard thinks it means something and chases afterward!
Now let me say right here that I truly believe that majority of the population of men on this planet are smarter than that; but the point I am trying to make here is that chance encounters that take only a few seconds to meet and fall in love are fantasy. The number of decent, friendly people in this world is diminishing every day, but there are people, both men and women, who, when they make accidental eye contact with a complete stranger, will offer a friendly smile so not to appear awkward or just try to make your day a little brighter. If a girl notices you and acknowledges you with any friendly gesture such as a smile or wave, don't start making wedding plans. She's just being friendly. Odds are you'll probably not come across that random lady again unless you go up and talk to her. If you do decide to try to talk without being a stalker, proceed with caution, as many joggers can sport pepper spray now, even if your intentions are pure.
For the more likely situation, see this clip from season 5 episode 1: The Skank Reflex Analysis:
Bernadette is just a nice person, and in my opinion, one of the most realistic characters out on the airwaves right now. She is particularly nice to Raj because she knows he's lonely and sensitive, and he spends the latter half of season 4 pining over her with disturbing poetry and Bollywood dance-filled fantasies. His feelings for her come out after his drunken night with Penny, and Bernadette's fury comes at Raj in full force. He says that she was "always so nice to him," and she retorts with "I'm nice to everybody!!!!" Guys, if you're lonely and you have the one gal pal who is always nice to you, keep in mind that she probably doesn't have feelings for you. Genuinely nice people are fewer these days, and if you're lucky enough to have a girl friend in your life who's willing to give you a woman's perspective and just be a friend when you need it, then why ruin that? If she becomes interested, it will happen naturally. Do not assume that it will happen!
Guys, please please please get it through your head that some girls are just plain nice without expecting to hook up with you at some point in the future! You are deluding yourself, and you can do the worst thing possible in the process: lose her friendship. If you make your feelings known to her with no expectations, and she turns you down, then man up and do the mature thing in moving on. You took your chance, and it didn't work. Is pushing your agenda worth losing her over? Men and women can still be friends if she doesn't want to go out with you!
Problem: you lie or omit pertinent information
I don't even need to refer to TBBT here, just watch 75% of every romance film out there: the liar always get their due, but almost always still winds up with the love interest (hence the reason why these romance stories are fiction). If you lie in this digital age, you could find your face smeared all over Facebook, Twitter and Instagram with a huge "do not date" caption. Don't believe me? Check out this tweet from Mrs. Doubtfire's Mara Wilson.
There are very rare times in life where lying is necessary, but even then it may still tarnish your reputation. So how does lying torch you when you've found someone? Here's a few examples, as all of the characters in this show do their own fair share of lying.
Season 3, episode 3: The Gothowitz Deviation. Howard and Raj wear fake tattoo sleeves and crash a goth club to pick up on goth chicks. By lying about their lifestyles, tattoos and being goths instead of nerds, they have to keep of the pretense of getting inked so that the remote odds of either Howard or Raj scoring stays in their favor.
Howard can't keep up the pretense when he hears that tattoo needle near his hiney and blurts the whole truth out, and both girls leave. Telling the truth is always noble, but it won't always save you when you fess up to your dishonesty.
Moving on to Leonard. Leonard in season 5 episode 7: The Good Guy Fluctuation, he meets Alice, and claims to be what most of you claim to be: a good guy. But he has his girlfriend Priya back in India, and he wants to be with Alice now that she's in his life. When he talks to Penny about his dilemma, he talks about how he wants both women despite his being a "good guy." In reality, he's trying to have his cake and eat it too. Guys, that never works. And here's what happens when Leonard tries it:
Alice thought he was a good guy too, but trying to pull a stunt like that didn't fly with her. She thought he was different. Guys, if you're that kind of "different," then show it and be it! If you are lucky enough to have a woman in your life and another wants you and you don't tell her about your girlfriend right away, then you are not a good guy. You're a wolf in sheep's clothing.
This next one is the most complicated lie that begins a domino effect: season 4 episode 6: The Irish Pub Formulation. Leonard broke a pact with Howard when he slept with Raj's sister, Priya. Sheldon finds out, and being one who doesn't like to lie or keep secrets, tries to pull another one of his "unravellable" lies to protect the parties involved. Watch what happens:
One lie gets exposed, leading all four guys to expose the lies of the other guys at the table. This is as close to the ideal situation of how lies can be forgiven without massive ramifications, but these guys are all friends. Lying to your guy friends is one thing; lying to any girl you want to impress is completely different. Your buddies are supposed to be there through thick and thin, and while you shouldn't lie to anyone, especially not these guys, they'll be more forgiving because that's what friends do. If you lie to try impressing women, they'll be far less gracious than your pals. Great relationships never start on the foundation of a lie.
Problem: you knowingly and willingly allow yourself to be taken advantage of
This particular problem ties in with most of the points I've already made. Let's face it: being alone sucks. The thing about being alone though is that it's almost always something you can do something about, whether reaching out to friends and/or family, posting on a social site, or going out to new venues and mixers to meet new friends.
The easier and far more degrading option is when someone is giving you attention because they want something from you, like money or material goods. Remember Christie?
Tune in at 2.42 of season 1 episode 7: The Dumpling Paradox. Christie, Penny's acquaintance from Nebraska, has no morals or standards, which makes her perfect for Howard. Penny, although she can't stand Howard during this phase in his life, still tries to stop him from falling under Christie's spell because she will only use him to get things. And Howard is okay with that!
If you're okay with this kind of situation, then please tell your family so they can form an intervention. No one deserves to be treated that way, regardless of whether or not they are aware that they are being used. Moving on to the next example from season 5 episode 4: The Wiggly Finger Catalyst:
Once again, Penny is trying to keep her guy friends from bad girls. Originally, she hooked Raj up with Emily due to his inability to talk to women and the fact that Emily is deaf so he wouldn't have to talk. After he pays off Emily's credit card bills and buys her a new car, Penny realizes what she's done and tries (unsuccessfully, due to Howard's wandering eye) to talk to Emily and get her to be more careful with Raj. Instead, Howard just signs to her "are you a gold digger or not?" and sends Emily into a rage. Penny then takes the next step of intervention and calls Raj's parents, who make him choose between love or money, and he chooses Emily, who promptly dumps him because he won't buy her anything else.
Seriously guys, just because Madonna glorified being a "Material Girl" doesn't mean it's a good thing. In fact, don't even take Madonna's advice on anything. Moving right along....Raj refuses to accept the truth that's staring him right in the face. The more he lavished on Emily, the happier she was, and the more ignorant he became. Don't ever let any woman do this to you. You deserve better than that! Do I REALLY need to include the following clip to show you how you'll wind up if you let a girl take advantage of you?
Do you really want this to be you?
The Final Word
You're still here? I told you I was gonna be blunt. Now I will apologize if I seemed harsh, but sometimes you need to be harsh to get a point across if you're not getting it from people who are trying to be nice. If you're really a nice guy, then be a nice guy. If you have to convince a girl that you're a nice guy, whether with actions or words, then you're not genuine. Real nice guys do things out of the goodness of their heart without asking for anything in return. And truth be told, we need more people like that; not just men.
So nice guys, I'm not going to give you some cliche that you're probably sick of hearing, I'm just going to say to please consider the girl and how she feels. Most of the mistakes listed above were when the guys did what they thought would work to get out of the friendzone and failed miserably. The real reason why "nice guys" don't finish first is because they don't consider the pressure they put the nice girls under. A real nice guy is the one who will not put a girl in any position that she does not want to be in. And if a girl is or has treated you that way in the past, then draw on that experience and think of the girl being in your place.
This last piece of my blog is for everyone: being a "nice" person all comes down to putting the other's feelings and needs before yours. Anything less than that, or doing anything for your own personal gain, immediately shoves you hard out of that "nice" label. We need more genuine nice guys and gals, people! It may mean we'll be single longer, but a change like this can make a big difference! Don't make the mistakes our favorite nerds did! They may be great for hi-jinks, but not in the real world!
