Let me introduce myself: I will be 30 in 2014, work two jobs, one of which is full time and the other which is a daily hire, my career choice is to be an actress and/or stunt performer so I pursue such projects when I am not working, live by myself, have no pets, go to church, and spend what little time I have free with friends, or at home watching DVDs or playing LOTRO. This is my life right now. Notice that I make to mention of a significant other. I do not have the time or the inclination to pursue a commitment of that caliber at this time.
Over the last few months I have been taking time talking with the few friends I have who are not in relationships to get their opinions. I have also talked with other friends who are recently married or are engaged. What I have noticed from these kinds of conversations is how quickly the engaged and newly married friends forget what single life is like. Finding your soul mate or settling for what's left seems to instantly erase all memories of what it's like to be alone.
The first wedding I went to when a friend around my age got married was back in 2001. I remembered how happy and excited I was for those friends at their wedding. Now, I'm not a big fan of going to weddings. Of all the friends I grew up with, I am the only one who is still not married (at least, as far as I know, as I am not in contact with every person from my past). I have only ever caught the bouquet at a wedding once, and that was because the only girls there were mostly under the age of 17 and I was a head taller than everyone (and my brother caught the garter, so I think my catch cancels itself out). Being single when 30 is around the corner is not easy, and I want to finally have a talk about it.
Theory 5: Unrealistic expectations at a young age
Let's face it: Hollywood is obsessed with love and relationships. How many chick flicks are out there where the one single guy or girl doesn't get the love interest at the end of the movie? Almost none. Why? Because it's not interesting.
Prime example: Disney Princess movies. Don't get me wrong, I love me them movies. What girl doesn't want to be a Disney Princess?
Well, let's take a look at them for a moment, shall we? First princess movie ever: Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. Snow White and Prince Charming have known each other how long? Less than a day. It's true love! Next up: Cinderella. Cinderella meets the Prince. They dance for a few hours. She flees, and he uses her tiny shoe to find her. A few hours is all it takes for them to have a lifelong love story. Those movies were made over 50 years ago, but they didn't stop there. After Sleeping Beauty (my personal favorite) having the same "hey, I just met you and you're my soul mate," story, those Princess movies went dormant. They returned with The Little Mermaid, and the cycle began again. We now have more than 10 "Disney Princesses," and only 2 have realistic love stories: Belle from Beauty and the Beast, and Mulan. They have more realistic stories because they spend more than one day with the guys they fall for. In fact, it takes several weeks, if not months, before they officially hook up.
While I would never dock these movies, the Disney Princess movies are so popular with little girls these days that it makes finding your soul mate as easy as passing them on the street. Go to any store with with products for kinds: school supplies, clothes, toys, dishware, even exercise equipment. You'll see the Disney Princesses. Some girls will be lucky enough to have such an encounter, but in reality, it doesn't happen that way.
Not every little girl is going to buy into the Prince Charming theory, but it's almost a part of our culture now that it's ingrained before girls reach puberty. What are the odds that a girl between the ages of 16 and 18 will come across her Prince Charming? Most likely minimal.
Theory 4: Singles don't fit in anymore
How many of you single people have gone to a party where everyone in attendance was married, engaged or in a series relationship? How many of those people are talking about their significant others and/or families?
I have discussed this with several of my friends and we all agreed: single people don't fit in with others who are in relationships. If you are the only single person there, and you want to talk about how you've gotten that promotion at work that you've worked your butt off to get, and one of the girls announces she's pregnant, who do you think is going to be congratulated first? That's right, preggers.
It's almost like marriage and commitment becomes a club that singles just can't fit into, no matter how hard they try. One of the best examples of showing how two worlds is created is from the TV show How I Met Your Mother. Lily has just gotten married and wants to hang out with Robin, who is hanging out with her single girlfriends, or "Woo Girls."
Lily doesn't fit into Robin's single girl world anymore because she's got that commitment that just about every girl hopes to have. The same happens when single girls are with married women or mothers. The two worlds don't collide very well. If there are multiple single girls at a social event, and there are more married women and/or mothers there, there tends to be division between the two groups.
While both worlds experience that, single women tend to have more things to talk about other than their families and significant others, and therefore married women can still be integrated into the loop. But without that "other half," single women are often unconsciously overlooked at events that married women and mothers are at.
Married/committed ladies/mothers: I challenge you to test this theory yourself. Next time you go to a social event or occasion with a majority of married women in attendance, look for the singles and see if they are easily integrated.
Theory 3: Singles are strapped for cash and need emotional support
This particular theory that isn't just for "never marrieds," as single parents are included as well. Single people are often struggling financially because they are supporting themselves (or children). Therefore, there is only one line of reliable income to pay rent and utilities, keep the car running, and provide food.
For the singles who live by themselves, they pay for everything on their own. If we are lucky enough to make enough to pay the bills, there is normally little left to pay for anything else. Single parents have it tougher, as their income also has to pay for pediatrics, clothes and school fees.
Married and committed couples are lucky enough to have two lines of income to help support each other. Bills are easier to pay because there's more money coming in to pay them. Now, not all married couples make enough to take care of all their expenses or both partners having jobs, but they have the emotional support (or at least they should, if the relationship is healthy) of their spouse or significant other. Never married singles do not have that luxury and are forced to be self-reliant when forced into a financially-strapped situation. Single parents too, although they have those children who love and appreciate them. The never married singles are on their own.
So, what's left for the single who has no emotional support? Emotional support is a great motivator, and also instills hope if the support is healthy. Family is a great source of emotional support, but not every single person has a family near, or on good terms with their family, or even has any living family members. Singles need healthy emotional support, which is usually found in a spouse. If they don't have someone by their side instilling that support, that leaves them wanting and vulnerable. That vulnerability can lead to an unhealthy relationship with a person who is just looking to take advantage of someone, therefore leading to more inevitable vulnerability in the single person, if not instilling bitterness as well.
Single parents are not immune to this either, although I cannot speak from experience on this issue. They work harder than anyone else for their kids and in this day and age, so many outside influences can corrupt a kid and turn them into a little Tasmanian Devil. Emotional support is key in survival. Singles, whether or not they have kids, need it just as much as anyone in a committed relationship.
Theory 2: Singles are taken advantage of
I have had many jobs over the years, and this has been a rampant problem for me, as I have not been in many romantic relationships. There have been times when I have requested time off work for appointments like a car repair, a show to see, or just need a night off. But, there's only one slot open and me and another lady, a lady who is married and with a kid or two, has requested that night off too. Guess who's going to get that slot?
Let's face it, how many of you married or committed people have pulled that excuse to get a single friend to do something for you? "Oh, come on. You have time to babysit for my kid, it's not like you're doing anything better." "Can you pick up my check for me? My husband/wife has only allowed me so much cash this week." "I know you're going to be busy on Sunday and you work full time, I need help on Saturday with [insert chore here] and I know you don't have any other plans."
Personally, I don't mind helping my friends out if they ask me for help. But asking a single friend to do something for you because you think they don't have a life simply because they're single is really narrow-minded. Plenty of my single friends are involved in other things when they're not working: churches, charity or volunteer work, local entertainment, or even side jobs to earn money for something special, like a concert or vacation. Asking a friend to do something based on the fact that they are single is just rude. Never, ever pull that excuse on a single person.
In addition to people with families the priority when it comes to requests off work, there is also the tax issue. What's one of the first questions your tax form asks you? Check out the 1040 EZPay tax form. If you get to claim a spouse or dependents, you get deductions. If you don't get to claim anybody, you have to pay the whole enchilada. Singles get more taken out of their payments than married couples and/or parents, which ties back to theory 3.
And finally...
Theory 1: Single people are NOT necessarily unhappy!
I grew up going to church in a rural area. I avoid that church as much as possible. It's not because I disagree with the doctrine or anything, it's because, as far as I know, I am the only kid who grew up there that is still single. People who have been going to that church since I was a kid almost always greet me with the same question: "How come you're still not married yet?" It takes all the effort I have to not punch them in the throat.
I challenge everyone to do this: go to ANY search engine and type in the phrase "things never to say to singles." On almost every page you will find, the number one phrase listed is: "how come you're still not married?"
This phrase, or any variation such as "you need to find a husband/wife" is one of the cruelest things you can say to a single person. While you may have the best of intentions, what a single tends to hear is "what is your problem that you can't find someone who wants to commit to you?"
Are you freaking kidding me?
For this one, I'm going to draw directly from my own experience. In 2011, I experienced, hands down, the worst year of my life. In a nutshell, I spent most of the year unemployed and homeless, and experienced a number of horrible events that still have left scars. Christmas of that year was exceptionally hard, mostly because I didn't have enough money to buy presents for my family. Thankfully, I managed to get a temp job that got me a paycheck just in time for me to get at least something for my family for Christmas, not to mention enough gas to get me there and back again.
It's a family tradition that on Christmas Eve, we attend the service at church. I was in a melancholy mood, mostly because, while I was happy to have gotten presents and time to spend with my family, I was still feeling the brunt of the year's experiences. Sure enough, when the service was over, several people came over to say hello to me, and after the greetings were done, I got pummeled with the questions of why I was still single or told I needed a husband. It took all my strength to hold my tongue and fists back, and also to keep from crying. I had experienced so many failures that year, and to have this "failure" added to that list nearly pushed me over the edge. I didn't need that little detail shoved back in my face. But, some people are completely oblivious.
People who ask the dreaded question may think they have the best of intentions at heart, but in reality, they are being nosy, rude, and downright cruel. A single person's lack of a love life is none of your business. GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEAD.
I am happy to report that at this time, my full time job is enough for me to pay rent and bills all on my own. When I first moved into my own apartment, I was afraid that I would suffer from excessive loneliness. Instead, I found myself too busy to be lonely, and the times I was lucky enough to be home, I was reveling in my own independence. I know who I'm cleaning up after, no one else eats my food, and if I decide to leave my clean underwear on my couch, then doggonit, I'm gonna do it!
For the first time in my life, I am okay with being single. And I'm not the only one. There are plenty of single people who have accepted their incomplete relationship status and have made it complete by realizing they don't need anyone else right now. The fact of the matter is that I, personally, don't have the time or inclination to put effort into a relationship, whether in dating or a lifelong commitment. And that doesn't mean I'm going to cut prospects out completely. If a man asks me out, I will probably say no, but if he seems interesting enough, maybe I'll say yes. Or maybe I'll ask a guy out myself just for the heck of it. Anything goes. I CAN DO WHAT I WANT.
Conclusion
Just leave single people alone, especially if you are married and/or a parent. It doesn't matter if a single person has never been married or is divorced or widowed or has kids. We may not half that "other half" that committed relationships have, but we have our own troubles, and to some, getting someone else in on that will only add to those troubles. The fact of the matter is that unless a single person asks for help in a prospective relationship, it is none of your business.
